The Sh**ty Disney Olympics

Introduction

Have you ever found yourself considering what a world would be like without the Disney characters that shaped and molded your childhood and in turn helped to sculpt the adult you have become today? A world completely devoid of Disney in it's entirety, which, considering Disney's current form and attitude, doesn't strike us as a particularly problematic issue whatsoever. 

Well my dear friend, if you were hoping to speed up the process of self-immolation and destruction that Disney have planted upon themselves in recent years then you've stumbled across just the article for you! We here at Cash Grab, have taken it upon ourselves to delve into Disney's back catalog of video game catastrophes, particularly to a period between 2002 and 2003 where Disney launched a huge wave of video game detritus in the form of the "Disney Sports" series for the GameCube and Gameboy Advance. 

This series revolves around 6 main titles that encompass a supposedly stunning collection of magical sporting action in the form of Motor Cross, American Football, Soccer, Basketball, Skateboarding and Snowboarding.

So, let's dive into the magical world of the sh**ty Disney Olympics and find out just how stunning this collection is, shall we?

Motor Cross

We kick off our Olympic endeavor with the opening event of Motor Cross, believing, in the vain hope, that watching a bunch of cartoon animals on overpowered motorbikes with the ever dangling threat of injury and death will inspire us to become invested in the Disney Olympics. Oh, there was no such hope I'm afraid to tell you, dear viewer!

We open up with the ever familiar sight on this show of a bog standard main menu with a cacophony of obnoxious music, almost prompting us to pick a gaming mode quickly, simply in order to escape the overbearing racket that's being produced from the game itself. After a very short window of time we decide to dive straight into the main game mode and take on Disney best and brightest with our main man Pete. 

Pete is overweight, angry and seemingly becoming more and more irrelevant with each passing day, so it comes as no surprise that we here at Cash Grab found ourselves with an instant symbiotic and sympathetic bond to the pathetic Disney biker. 

Jumping into our first race, it quickly becomes apparent that this game acts as an almost "on rails" racer, that allows very little in the way of creative driving and adaptable gameplay, forcing you, to a very particular extent, to stay in your lane. 

Yet, we can't help but think, that if the game is a never ending straight line, then what disadvantage does Pete have given his superior overall speed and boost capabilities, on the basis that you don't crash of course.

Oh, but crash you do! Seemingly over and over again, mainly due to the ability of the poor and obnoxious AI of being able to envelop multiple lanes at once and the piss poor course design and camera work that allows for no adaptability of play during a race and simply relies on previous knowledge of the course and the game in order for it to be played well. Given that it takes time to learn a course by heart and time is best spent doing pretty much anything else, this seems somewhat counter intuitive to the game's shelf life as a whole. Good job developers!

So, our first event can be summed up using our dear friend Goofy as a personified example. Goofy appears to be here, within the first event of the Disney Olympics, in the capacity a dog would take in his favourite park, with his favourite toy before heading over to the vets at the end of the day for a "very long sleepover".

American Football

Our second event sees the introduction of American Football. An event we hope holds great promise with it's potential for in depth play, strategy and power play. Yet, if the intro video is anything to go by, then we simply have on our hands an overwhelming mess fronted by underwhelming characters and presentation.

Firstly, we can't help but notice the recycled assets and content that have been taken directly from Motor Cross. Identical sounds, menu designs and very similar presentation show a lack of creativity and responsible development by Disney Interactive. 

Jumping into the game itself, although uglier than an aardvark's ar***ole, we bizarrely find that the game does show an element of depth to it's gameplay, allowing for a certain amount of creative play given it's positioning and strategy. Though do take this statement with a pinch of salt given the review of American Football's depth coming from a proud Englishman.

The strategy however doesn't mask the fact that the game itself is slow, unresponsive and terribly presented, offending the eyes of all and any who look upon it. It almost gives me a sort of Raiders of the Lost Ark feeling... something man's eyes was simply not meant to see!

In short, the second event was just as much of a failure as the first. Seemingly it takes more than replacing Mickey Mouse's biking gloves with a jockstrap in order to create a fun and enticing Olympic games. 

Oh well, I'm sure our third event is sure to turn things around...

Soccer

So, we now stumble into our third, and perhaps the least anticipated, event, Soccer. Or as it's correctly called in the rest of the modern world; Football. 

Again, straight out of the starting block, we notice recycled features and content from previous entries. Something tells me that this is going to be a common theme for this article...

We go through much the same paces as before, choosing our mode, our team, our additions and jump into our first game of soccer of the Disney Olympics. We discover, in the simplest terms imaginable, that this game finds us in a very similar way to Mario Strikers, except more shi**er. Yet, in complete juxtaposition to other entries thus far in the Disney Olympics, soccer appears to be considerably smoother in it's presentation and with a much more flowing pace and after having scored our first goal, we also find that the game offers a full replay support mode controlled by the player. A nice touch and something we feel can't help but be an influence from Konami given their Pro Evolution series being so successful at the time.

So, apart from the obvious consideration that Donald Duck's team are composed of a series of massive cocks, we can reveal to you, the viewer, in complete seriousness, that we found ourselves having the most intense game of virtual Disney-based football we've ever experienced. A series of highs and lows, crushing defeats and the opportunity of redemption. Going into extra time I had practically stopped taking notes due to my deep personal and ever growing investment in the game being fought for and won by us.

Needless to say, we lost. Quite miserably in the end, though they say it's truly not about the beginning nor the end but the journey itself and the struggle involved.

Needless to say that this was, by an absolute country mile, the best the sh**ty Olympics had offered us so far. Yet, this is to say that my third sh*t of the day was slightly less painful than my previous two... Nobody can deny, even though we found ourselves deeply invested, that this is still a bad game.

Basketball

Oh, here we go... Thoughts of NBA Jam, with it's 2 on 2 gameplay, come flooding through our minds as we cross our fingers, toes and testes in the hopes that Disney can pull a banger out the bag and not another steaming pile of feces. 

Our intro to the game this time around is muted and our assets are once again recycled before we head into an exhibition match. We quickly find that the 2 on 2 dynamic of NBA Jam is all that was creatively stolen. The game lacks charm, meaningful gameplay and any sense of enticing presentation. It's the equivalent of thinking you're going to go on a date with Scarlett Johannson, only to find an unwashed Helena Bonham Carter sitting at the restaurant table waiting for you. Her only intentions of the evening being to sit there, frown and smoke.

In short, there's very little to say. Nothing of anything really happened and if we were pushed to tell you a "best part" as it were, it would have to be a glitch that was caused pausing the game, which incidentally shut off the obnoxious music entirely, leaving us with the empty sounds of 8-bit trainers squeaking on an 8-bit polished floor and the vacuous hollow echo of a basketball bouncing.

Skateboarding

Another series of recycled intros and assets inspire us in a similarly familiar way as previous entires in the sh**ty Olympics... Poorly. 

Jumping into the Skateboarding event, after deciding to finally give the mouse a go for once, we find that Tony Hawk's throne at the summit of skateboarding games is most likely going to be safely held by the end of this one. Though this isn't to say that this is a very shameless way of ripping off the Gameboy Advance entries of the Tony Hawk series, with this seeminly being Disney's way of attempting to hold a knife to the Hawk Man's throat and instead deciding to hold the blade while putting the handle to Tony Hawk's neck. 

We quickly find that there is a huge in-built glitch into the grinding system that allows our chirpy Disney chum to convulse uncontrollably while donning a rail. Much like watching your mate get uncontrollably drunk at a party, it's something which seems hilarious at first and quickly turns disturbing and worrying. 

We also find that there is no death in the Disney Olympics as Mickey throws himself into deep waters after a failed stunt. Instead, simply, contestants are seemingly warped to a place of unloving purgatory, back to the starting line.

The real challenge of this event isn't simply in doing tricks to gain points and henceforth increase your ranking. It's in doing all of these things while keeping your sanity. 

In short, this game looks, plays and reacts like a headache!

Snowboarding

Our final sh**ty event of the sh**ty Olympics sees us participating in snowboarding and, we'll reveal now, that the Disney Olympics, much like the world itself will not end with a bang but with a whimper. Again, our assets are shared between the bunch, again our choices are few, again we face the rapture of the sh**ty Olympics. Yet, Chip and Dale are here this time around! Alright, things are looking up! 

But, oh dear...

It seems as though we unintentionally saved the worst till last, with a game which encompasses a downhill race with the opportunity of doing tricks that only serve as a way of preventing you from winning. Bizarre rendered backgrounds also act as a means of disorienting the player, making you feel you are trapped within a Salvador Dali painting.

There is so little to say on this one, sadly. Our last event is truly the cream of the crop, the sh*t of the sh**ty and thus we can only sum it up in measured, blunt terms. In re-writing the list of greatest world evils we have Hollywood actors in third, Adolf Hitler in second place and Disney Sports Snowboarding as the world's greatest evil. 

Closing Ceremony

Within our closing ceremony we will not be handing out medals or accolades, simply some words of advice. Never, under any circumstances, play the Disney sports games for the Gameboy Advance developed between 2002 and 2003. Simply, it would be the worst mistake of your life and one that would haunt you forever. 

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Tom - Cash Grab