Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl for the Game Boy Advance (GBA)

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Introduction

The year 2003 was an interesting one, for all intents and purposes. The Iraq war was rife within our social fabric, Concorde made it's last commercial flight and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl was released in our theatres, to much critical acclaim and fanfare. That very same year, however, was another tremendous landmark in our ever deepening social history! The video game tie-in to the critically acclaimed movie was also released for the Nintendo Game Boy Advance. Inevitably hordes of parents came flocking to grab a copy for their wannabe swashbuckling seven year old's, as well as their criminally uncomfortable and socially awkward teenagers, on top of a few sales for some very poorly adjusted and painfully closeted adults.

We had hoped that the game would follow, at least in a very loose fashion, the plot and sequential patterns of the film, especially considering that the film is well structured, flowing and incredibly good fun. We were soon to discover that the game holds as much of a candle to the film as a pizza would to an engineering brick. Simply put, one is a delicious and moreish treat, the other, a brick... So, without further ado, let's jump into the meat and potatoes of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl for the Game Boy Advance.

A Pirate's Life For Me

As we are greeted with the welcoming sight of the main menu, we are also bombarded by a rather experimental version of "A Pirate's Life for Me", that after a short while has a similar effect on the mind as as a consistent dropping of water to the forehead. Due to this auditory torture, we swiftly jump into the game and begin our real hands on experience with Pirate's of the Caribbean. 

Opening within a cutscene aboard the Black Pearl itself, we find ourselves in a scenario where "Jack" is being thrown overboard by the crew and their familiar leader in Captain Barbossa. We're practically straight out of the starting blocks when we're faced with our first, and perhaps most evidential, dilemma during our time with Pirates of the Caribbean. Although we are presented with the character "Jack", generally assuming this is Mr. Sparrow himself, physically we are presented with a fading and ageing Spanish porn star that has found himself in dire straights entering his more senior performing years, finding himself going down the "gay for pay" route of his career due to the diminishing returns in his performing career in more, let's say, traditional forms of pornographic artistry...

In fact, it seems to us, that this whole opening sequence is more akin to the start of a Hispanic porno than a privateer's mutiny aboard a fabled ship of the undead and the damned!

Rather Jake Spermo than Jack Sparrow.

Nonetheless, it becomes apparent that this opening scene is a direct prequel to it's related film. This being Jack's departure from the Black Pearl itself, finding himself a lone man, stranded and seemingly helpless on a desert island. The presentation of this game, although muddy and a little rough around the edges in terms of it's appearance, presents itself as a top down action adventure in semi-sandbox environments for levels. In our opening level, we are presented with two basic tasks, one, batter crabs and two, collect the rice cakes that they drop for you upon their death. Due to this being our one form of entertainment on this desert island, we are quick to discover that combat in this game has all the depth of a summer puddle. Simply smash A or B with your finger, thumb or forehead and watch every living thing around you crumble.

So, moving forward, pockets full of fractured crab corpses and soggy rice cakes we find ourselves heading towards Port Royal!

A sign of the times, however, is apparent in the fact that this game uses a password system for it's progression. It's been a long while since we've seen this and it managed to bring back a little nostalgic flutter in our stony, pessimistic, gaming hearts.

Upon our arrival in Port Royal, something seems off... It appears to us that Port Royal has been taken over by a cult of Mormon-like clones, hell bent on standing in every doorway or arch in order to block free movement in the city. An inventive plan, to say the least, in regards t converting others to their religious beliefs, yet we couldn't help but appreciate the efforts they went to in order to get their message across. Occasionally we are also randomly attacked by a sailor moon cosplayer, yet, due to our superior finesse in swordsmanship, we swiftly deal with them and collect his rice cakes upon death, for he who holds the rice cakes, holds Port Royal!

Rice Cakes, Apple Juice and Dead Cosplayers.

We soon find that our story propels us to acquire a ship of our own, opening up a new sequence of naval gameplay that we were looking forward to immeasurably, simply as a means of breaking up the monotony that had become stealing people's rice cakes. Simply put, naval combat and naval sequences actually did come as a pleasant surprise, though getting a hard, uncomfortable slap on the arse comes as welcome relief after having spent years on end being shot in the face...

Returning to Port Royal we are instructed by a blind man disguised as a small boy that we are to find a treasure hidden just outside of Port Royal in the familiar reaches of a tropical island. During our exploration of these tropical outskirts we find hidden depths within the gameplay of Pirates of the Caribbean, turning our initial impressions completely on it's head! We discover, during a sequence of events, seeing us try to recover a 1-up guarded by two out of work actors, we use manners of stealth to try and procure our prize. During this, the eternal burning gaze of a wandering sand crab finds our person and closes in for the kill at great distance. Clearly the crab itself understands the weight, importance and gravity of such an item within this game. 

In this uncanny stealth scenario, we realise that this game clearly holds similar levels of caution, stealth and thoughtful planning present in such classic titles such as Metal Gear Solid. Having said all of this, we quickly dispose of the Dalai Lama of decapod crustaceans and swiftly steal his rice cake before acquiring the 1-up and the treasure map  needed to progress before thankfully returning to Port Royal, escaping the now torturous background music present in the tropics. Strangely, you find life more complicated after hearing 8-bit bongos on a two and a half second loop for nearly half an hour.

Yo, Ho, Hopeless...

Pirates of the Caribbean for the Game Boy Advance presented us with many challenges during our time playing, mainly challenges of emotional control, the potential for personal growth and learning to let things go. Having said this, it is also important for us to inform the general public on the dangers of playing this game. This game has the capacity to send the common man into delirium, not only with it's grainy presentation but also with it's monotonous audio design, which we have helpfully labelled on every single physical copy of Pirates of the Caribbean for the GBA as: "Potentially harmful to mental health."

We are not reviewers, yet, if the role were to be thrust upon us, we would happily present this with one durag... out of how many durags is something we leave to your thought and imagination. Although we here at Cash Grab feel a bit of a durag ourselves, we also appreciate the great public service we are doing in playing these truly painful video games so you don't have to. No need to thank us, we do this for mankind's benefit, not praise.

Thank God...

To condense this game into one sequence of gameplay, we would inform you of a scenario where Jack asks a blind man to read a map for him...

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Tom - Cash Grab